Birth plan

Eileen advises us to write up a birth plan so that we feel more in control of the situation during delivery. Louise comes over to help me with this odd task.

We select the music ‘Fun loving Criminals’ and the candle [vanilla with cinnamon flecks]. Louise thinks I should try and remain standing for as long as possible before demanding a birthing ball. ‘Do you actually know what a birthing ball looks like?’ I ask suspiciously. ‘It looks like a giant beach ball and you kind of roll over and back on it’, she smirks. ‘My cousin Jane had one!’


‘I don’t know Lou. This is daft. I haven’t a clue what labour will be like…well apart from sore. So how the hell am I supposed to write out an essay on how I want the birth to go? It reminds me of being a child, just after Christmas. I had to sit there, writing thank you letters to relatives. Of course I could never remember what they had specifically given me so I used to try and fudge it by using suitably vague sentences.’

‘Well I’m not sure it has to be an essay. I know, pretend you’re writing to Santa and bullet point down what you want from your ideal birth! She claps her hands excitedly.

‘You are mad, you know that don’t you! Right so! I want a pain free birth that’s as safe as possible for Peanut and me. I don’t want anyone yelling at me .I want a cup of tea afterwards.’

‘Is that all?’ asks Louise. ‘I mean it doesn’t sound very comprehensive. Are you sure that’ll do?’

‘Its not a written exam Lou. From what I can gather the practical exam is the one that counts!’

The phone rings. ‘Its Fiona’ I mouth to Louise. ‘Yes, another productive morning. I’ve just written my birth plan’ I announce proudly. I put the phone down a few minutes later.

‘Well Fiona says they probably won’t even look at the birth plan. They just do what they think is best medically. She says you can’t anticipate what will happen. When she was having Megan, she wanted an epidural but she was too late to have it, so she had to have it naturally!’ I say with a shiver running down my back.

We put the kettle on and munch on a curly wurly.