Ladies who lunch

I stride across town full of confidence. I look good and I know it. Make up has been applied; hair is freshly cut and blow-dried. I’ve even artfully arranged a groovy scarf to distract attention from my bump…. well not completely obviously! I’m really looking forward to a nice relaxing lunch.

I open the door and spot Kate making her way towards me with her arms ready to embrace. ’Sorry I’m a bit late’ I apologise ‘I couldn’t find a parking space’.

‘Hello heffalump!’ She greets me warmly and I follow her] to the table. [Ever so slightly miffed ‘heffalump?’]

Crash! I don’t believe it. I didn’t leave sufficient space for my bump as I followed size zero Kate and have managed to bump into a waiter, sending cutlery flying across the floor. I am mortified.

‘I’ve taken the liberty of ordering us some white wine’ she beams. ‘I’ve already had a couple of glasses while I was waiting. Well you were a bit late’ she teases.

‘Ahm I’ll give the vino a miss as D-day could be anytime now’ I chuckle. ‘Well shame to waste it! I guess I’d better drink it all then’ she cackles draining her glass and pouring another. ‘Right then lets get the orders in and then we can catch up.’

I consult the menu. It’s a bloomin minefield…prawns, goats cheese, tuna fish, smoked salmon, crab claws, béarnaise sauce, mousse etc. ‘Excuse me,’ I beckon the nearest waiter. ‘Is the goats cheese pasteurized and can you find out if there are uncooked eggs in the mousse? Thank you’

Kate glares at the menu. ‘You are not the first woman in the world to give birth you know. Don’t be such a drama queen. We are meant to be having a fun lunch’

‘Yes I know but I am pregnant and the books say..’

‘Oh for goodness sake, I know you are preggers but I really don’t want to spend the whole time listening to your innermost thoughts on pregnancy. Now then, the baby’s due in a few days right? So when do you plan going back to work? You don’t want your brain to turn to mush after you worked so hard to get your degree.'

‘Well..’

‘No, I’m not being critical Daisy but lets face it, you weren’t a natural student. There’s no shame admitting that you had to work hard at it.’

‘I’m not sure what my plans are yet. I’m just enjoying my final days of pregnancy and taking one day at a time. I feel pretty content just now and I can’t work up much enthusiasm for anything else right now. I guess its just a special time.’

‘I don’t get it. Everyone talks about pregnancy like its some kind of miracle or something. It’s a highly predictable process. Woman has sex, gets fat and puffy with little piggy eyes and swollen ankles, clucks like a mother hen and pops out a baby. I’ve never understood why people think pregnant women are beautiful. They’re just swollen and fat looking. Now, have you been to any good gigs or plays recently? She enquires.

‘Kate, I think I’m going to have to go. I’m pretty tired and I just need to go home.’ Sorry again for being..’

‘Flat and a bit touchy’ she states matter of factly.

‘I was going to say ‘late’ ‘ I hiss and storm out of the joint. Bloody cheek. Definitely out of the running for Godmother. Humph!