Massaging with almond oil

‘You can try using almond oil’ Eileen suggests at the antenatal class. ‘It can really help stretch that delicate area of the perineum and reduce the need for stitches’. My insides somersault and knots itself in fear at the very thought of stitches.

I nudge Special Bloke, hoping for a reassuring squeeze or wink. No response. He is away in a world of his own. He is practically asleep. He has no idea what Eileen has been talking about. He is going to be my birth partner and yet he isn’t paying a scrap of attention. So much for the ‘we’re in this together’ speech he recites regularly. I dig him hard in the ribs. He glares at me harshly. ‘It was the baby kicking!’ I lie without a modicum of guilt.

On the car journey home, I berate him for his lack of interest in the pregnancy, labour and challenge him that he will probably make a terrible Dad. This may be slightly unfair but I am feeling unreasonable and I want to provoke some reaction.

I want him to tell me that he loves me. I want him to tell me that everything will be o.k. I want a cuddle. He sits in silence absorbing my white anger and barbed comments. This makes me madder. ‘What is wrong with you?’ I yell in desperation. ‘You don’t even care enough to respond. What kind of man are you?’ I demand furiously.

‘The books said you’d get like this at the end of your pregnancy. I wonder if that means you will go into labour tonight?’ he analyses rhetorically. ‘I am not going into labour tonight. I am going home to eat ice cream and watch a video. You are going to get the bits and pieces Eileen said we had to get’ I order, handing him the photocopied list of essentials.

Special Bloke returns home with bags of potions of raspberry leaf tea, arnica, witch hazel, tea tree oil, lavender oil and a whole host of other lotions. ‘I couldn’t find almond oil so I got these' beams Special Bloke, producing a bottle of almond essence, blanched almonds, ground almonds, flaked almonds and sugar almonds. He is delighted with his booty. Clearly he feels he has exceeded my expectations and waits confident of getting a gold star for his efforts.

‘I know I have a bun in the oven’ I quip, ‘but there was no need to raid the cookery section of Tescos. The idea of me trying to massage myself down there as Eileen calls it with flaked almonds cracks me up. I roll around the sofa laughing, clutching my sides with mirth.

Special Bloke looks on puzzled. ‘It really is true. Its just like the books say. It’s a roller coaster of emotions. One minute you’re down and the next minute you’re high as a kite. I can’t wait til you have the baby Daisy. I really miss you’