‘I need to look gorgeous’ I whine to Jay, my long-suffering hairdresser and confessor. ‘Absolutely gorgeous mind! I’m meeting an old friend for lunch’
‘Ah one of those? He eyeballs me knowingly, tousling my hair.’ Now what are we doing with this mop today?’
‘How do you mean – ‘one of those ’friends?’ I mimic.
‘Oh everyone has an old friend like that. ‘ Now spill…. while you sit yourself down and stick this around your shoulders,’ Jay orders as he passes me a protective gown.
‘Well we grew up together and then we went separate ways during our late teens. We meet up every now and again. Kate metamorphasised into one of those willowy completely pulled together go-getter types. If you looked up ‘well-groomed’ in the dictionary, it would simply say ‘Kate’ I explain as I look gloomily at my reflection in the salon mirror.
‘And let me guess you wouldn’t dream of mixing her with your regular pals and you find her a bit of a pain but you shared a childhood together. There’s no way you would become pals if you met tomorrow but you understand each other irritatingly well. Am I right? He beamed smugly. ‘Ha should have been a psychologist?'
‘Well anyway, I am meeting Kate for lunch while she’s in town and I feel so tired I need to transform my image radically. I’ve decided to cut it short. I don’t care what you do with it. I’m in your hands. Just make me look thin, gorgeous, trendy, sophisticated, sexy, smart, young and please try to disguise my newly formed double chin.’ I implore.
‘In a word – No! Daisy love, I will not cut it off. You’ll be sooo busy with the baby you won’t have time to come in for regular trims. Much easier to tie it up. And you can have it in bunches during labour …stop you getting all sweaty while you’re on the birthing ball.’
‘Eh hello Jay. It’s me. I will not be on a birthing ball. I will not be sweating. I will be getting an epidural and having a thoroughly modern, pain free birth thank you very much.’
‘Oh Daisy, I dunno. My sister had a natural birth and she says within minutes of the birth you’re up on your feet. If you have the epidural, you won’t be able to move for hours!’
‘Well I’m not actually planning on moving once I squeeze a turkey out of my birth canal. In fact if I can’t move after the birth, so much the better. I expect to be waited on hand and foot with regular supplies of chocolates and champagne brought to me . If I don’t have the energy to consume them, my birth plan gives the nurses full written consent to hook me up and feed me intravenously.'
‘Look hon, after you’ve had the baby, all those feel-good hormones are going to leave your body and of course your hair will reflect this. It’s highly likely that your hair will fall out. Oh yes, in clumps. The number of women I’ve had in here crying would amaze you. And anyhow you can’t go eating chocs and necking back the bubbly because it’ll affect your milk’
‘What? I’m going to go partially bald after I give birth? Childbirth is just one sick joke. And who said I was going to breast feed anyhow? Just tidy it up and take an inch off all round will you’ . I crumple wearily and fight back the tears.
‘Oh dear! I’ve been very insensitive. Come on now Daisy let me get you a nice cup of tea and a reviving finger of fudge while I make you beautiful, so you can meet the waspy Kate in style.
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