Wishing it would show!

Couldn't resist popping into Mothercare for a quick browse during lunch break. I head for the maternity section and am appalled by the sheer size of the clothes.

I am quite sure that no matter how many curlywurlys I eat I will not fill these tents. Ever! I cannot help noticing quite a large section on maternity knickers. For the life of me, I cannot understand why regular knickers will not do the job. Maybe it makes sense if you like to wear a very exotic, kinky type of lingerie. I don't know the mind boggles. I feel like a bit of a fraud browsing as I don't look pregnant [although I do look like I ate all the pies!] .

I hightail out of the maternity wear sharpish and take a peek at the baby gear section. For such little critters they do seem to need a lot of kit. I don't buy anything but I do paw a lot of goods and stare wistfully into space trying to imagine what Peanut will look like. Wonder if it will look like Special Bloke or like me? Or maybe like his moustached Aunty Ethel? Crap! Hope it doesn't get my bum or it will have a life ahead of it trying to find jeans that fit on the hips while similtaneouly fitting on the waist.Oops must have been chatting to myself aloud[gulp]. A couple of shoppers are staring at me and the security guard is eyeing me suspiciously. 'Are you going to take those nipple protectors ?'asks the assistant loudly. I'm so ruffled I buy the little pack although I have no idea what they are for.

I go and buy a pair of outrageously, sexy, impractical pair of fluffy knickers for the price of a small pony....., just in case I am missing out.I don't want to resent Peanut for curtailing my underwear habits in months to come.

I try on my sexy knicks in front of my bedroom full length mirror to check out the effect.Curiousity gets the better of me and I open the little pack of nipple protectors and put a couple on.I look like a poor man's Madonna in her pre-tweed days of conical boobs and tassels.
Special Bloke catches sight of my floorshow and not implausibly thinks I'm in the mood for love. He beams hopefully,'I've been reading that a lot of women experience amazing sensitivity during sex while pregnant'. Its vaguely flattering that he is still interested given my erratic mood swings, bloated tummy and [how can I put this delicately] my trumpeting rear end BUT my interest in all things carnal has died. I am more interested in ensuring that nothing is blocking my route to the loo so I can be sick in peace. What a sexy, sexy jezebel hippo I have become!